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The Psychology of You

The last time I wrote here was... a few months back. I wanted LJ to be my post-breakup buddy but the moving on part, surprisingly, wasn't as awful as people had promised it would be. Expecting the worst always helps, haha. Anyway, I think this post is a culmination of everything. I guess I'm doing this for closure's sake.

***

It hit me while sitting alone at church this morning. Confession: I have been thinking about you a lot lately. I think that's part of chasing the storm -- understanding why it wrecked you in the first place. But today I felt as if God was holding me by the shoulders saying, "My child, it's time." Time to understand, time to realize. I was ready for the last great epiphany: the psychology of you.

You're a runner, you always have been. Every time things start to get remotely uncomfortable or difficult, you jump ship, change course. It's a you thing. You quit accounting, your first job and every quasi-relationship you've ever had. Every time things would start to get rocky with us, your first impulse was always to leave this country. To get away. Last September, you actually booked a ticket and flew off. I heard you couldn't wait to get on that plane. That makes you, in my mind, the most excellent runner.

Some call it cowardice but I know that the truth is: you're just scared. You don't know how to deal with pain and vulnerability and loss.

And I forgive you for that because the reality is that we're all terrified. You and I just deal with it differently.

For the first time in your life, you experienced a love that was big and real and sincere and it was everything you ever wanted but nothing you believed you deserved so you ran. Throughout our entire friendship, it was all you ever did. Run then come back, run then come back.

And every time you inched your way closer, I just loved you even more and I believed in you and I didn't want you to be afraid but you were.

You are.

And I promised you that I wasn't going to ask you for anything because the pleasure of loving was enough but time and time again, you resisted. Because you never believed you were good enough.

So you ran to second-hand love. Subpar love. Attraction and lust and these temporary fields of pleasure and every single time, it broke my heart.

A man should never settle for a woman who is good enough.
Especially not you.
I want to see you with excellentlove -- even if that person isn't me.

But you let yourself believe that you could settle because that big burning love that was waiting for you was too all-consuming and scary and it messed with your commitment phobia and your desire to belong and to be loved for everything that you were. It promised something so infinite that you had to run, you just had to. Because if you touched this love then lost it, if it ended because of you and your inadequacies, you would never forgive yourself.

So you ran. To new arms and alcohol and a completely different country.

You have such a horrible view of yourself. You think you're so evil, so messed up, so beyond beautiful things but this love has always believed in your worth. And what you see as tarnished, this love sees as whole.

You were right. You do not deserve this love. But as Jan Karon wrote: When is love about deserving?

You are not a good receiver of love. Never have been. You dole out loyalty and friendship but you run from whatever (or whoever) threatens to break down your walls. But the miracle is you let me. You let me see the real you without even putting up a fight and that, I think, is the ultimate closure. I know why you ran, why you continue to run and I want you to know that it is okay. I am not here to convince you or stop you or reason with you. That time is long gone.

Tonight, I am letting you. :)

It was never about being loved back.
Or you staying.

NU 107.5 signed off Philippine airwaves today, after 23 years of playing good music. They ended with The Eraserheads' Huling El Bimbo. Which is beautiful and makes all the sense in the world. Let me commemorate them and their legacy by taking a page from their book:

Tinuruan mo ang puso ko na umibig ng tunay.
(you taught my heart how to love truly)

It was only ever about loving fiercely and you let me. So thank you.

Comments

I love you, I love this, thank you for writing it, etc. I feel like I should write more things in this tiny little box, because the ones I have written down don't feel adequate, but I also feel like I should get better at talking about these things with you, openly and honestly, and not in the guise of carefully-weighted words, where I type out things that sound right... I don't know.

The thing is: I've been a runner, too. I know you know this, but it's something I've had to come to terms with. I don't know where I'm going with this, but I just want you to know that this touched me a lot. HEHE. Let me know when I can see you, k. <3
Hi, Bareens! It's nice & nostalgic seeing you here on LJ again after all this time! I love reading your updates, maybe because I get to see a different 'internet side' to you. And I guess the same goes for me. I can only ever really be vulnerable here on LJ. Anyway...

I understand that it's not a matter of dishonesty when it comes to you and me. Sometimes you just can't say it right or put it out there because the truth is big and scary but I'm glad that you try. Whether via e-mail or in a comment box or when we have sleepovers, I know you try and I am grateful for that. :) You know that I'll hear you out no matter what and that your feelings or thoughts will never sound stupid to me.

About you being a runner: I know. :) Sometimes, I am too. But it touches me to see that you're learning to stay, even when things get hard. I'm glad my emotional catharsis moved you in some way or form. I just really needed to get it out there, haha!

Will plan something soon! I love you back. :)

LIKING Carina's post

But also adding my two cents.

Yes, exactly - in a way I realize I'm a runner but I know I always end with acceptance and love because -- where else are ya gonna go?

I LOVE YOU CAN WE ALL BE FWENDS!

September 2012

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